Maria

I thought about Maria today.

I don't know why I did - it's been years.

I don't remember the parting being particularly acrimonious, but our common friend later told me that she felt that I had shut her out.

I guess in a way, I had. That's the problem with long-distance relationships. Both parties have to want it badly enough to make it work. Obviously I had wanted it a lot more than she had, and when it didn't meet my expectations, I was disappointed and ultimately shut off.

Was it my fault? I don't know.

I remember placing a letter into a CD as a present to her.

I remember asking her out for dinner on Valentine's Day without actually mentioning Valentine's Day because I knew she'd refuse.

I remember the day she agreed to become my girlfriend. It was at the riverside cafés at The Yarra Southbank.

I remember wanting her so badly. For her, I would have given up anything and everything - and I did.

I remember our first kiss - and it felt like I was coming home.

I remember proposing to her at Cheong Chau island. An engagement ring hidden in the champagne cup. I remember her being oblivious to the fact that there was a ring in the cup, and I remember the giggle she made when she finally saw the ring.

I remember wanting to marry her so bad that it didn't matter that I went against the wishes of my parents - she epitomised the perfect wife for me.

I remember her mother and aunties talking in Hokkien about how un-Chinese I was - her auntie replied that at least I wasn't a "gwai lo" - THAT would have been a tragedy ;D

I remember holding her tight and smelling her hair.

I remember coming back to Malaysia because she said that this would be where we would build our lives together.

I remember wanting only the best for her and I worked like a dog so that I would do her proud when she came over.

I remember not having enough money to call her and waiting in anticipation for her calls.

I remember the annual trips to Hong Kong and how each meeting would be sweeter than the last.

I remember calling less and less because I felt distanced from her.

I remember how I got the cold shoulder on my last trip there because I made her look bad by not spending enough money on her relatives and her. This was eventually resolved but after much grief on my part.

I remember the relief I felt when she finally agreed to a parting.

I heard from a common friend that she had gotten married after a year or so. She had envied the life that her youngest auntie had forged with her uncle - her uncle and auntie had lived and scraped for every penny until the day her uncle finally made it. She was romantic in that way and she eventually chose a husband who resembled her uncle (since she identified herself with her auntie). Her youngest daughter should be 2 now, by my reckoning.

I loved you, Maria. In a way, you contributed some part to who I am and I guess you'll always be a part of me.